My Story

by Lyn Saunders

Since I’ve been to very scary, deep, dark places in life, and don’t want to frighten you, I want you to know, that since doing Core Energetics work, my life has transformed totally and positively.

Every day for over 20 years I’d thought about killing myself. I had spent my entire life, never feeling OK.

I was abused as a small girl, my mother not able to see or stop the abuse. I’ve been actively depressed since I was 12 years old. I medicated myself with alcohol and drugs in my teens and twenties, which only made my life worse. My pain was so great that I did whatever I could to block it from my consciousness. When I was diagnosed with emphysema at 32 and told I’d better stop smoking Pot, I was terrified and I choose biofeedback as a treatment plan. I felt better but the biofeedback never reached my real issues. Later I went into drug treatment. This was the beginning of my healing. I was conscious about my pain now, but had no clue how to end it without ending myself. With a marriage falling apart, I began to crumble. My anger was coming out of my pores in destructive ways—I drove recklessly, and wasn’t taking care of myself. I saw a conventional therapist but talking about my feelings and childhood issues did not relieve my anger or pain. I sunk into a deep depression and lay in bed for days planning suicide. One day I was sitting, catatonic, on the sofa, when a friend called. I managed to tell her that I felt so incredibly desperate; I didn’t see a way out. Her call helped me check myself into a mental hospital in the summer of 1988. There were so many people in the hospital in worse shape than I was. I realized I had to make it out of there. I was 36,000 feet below sea level and I said to the universe, “If there’s a God out there, I need help!” I took the prescribed medication that didn’t really work, and masked my real feelings. I was out after 20 days feeling very fragile and stayed with my brother for a month. I threw myself headlong into AA going to 10 meetings a week, but I still went in and out of terrible bouts of depression. But I could function. In therapy again, the therapist told me I was fine…I didn’t need therapy anymore. She asked me the questions and I gave her all the answers I thought she wanted. The therapist didn’t know what she was doing. For many years I tried several types of healing modalities. Looking back I realize that although each one inched me along toward health, I needed something that could address all my issues.

I met my current husband, got married and got pregnant. I was scared. I never wanted to be a mother because my childhood had been so painful. After giving birth, I had severe Post Partum depression. I sank into my deepest depression and I just can’t articulate the horror of that feeling. I wanted to die every day. A friend told me about subtle energy healing. I went and it was like a wand was waved and the depression lifted. However I never felt happy. I learned a type of spiritual self healing energy work and that brought up another fearful layer of pain.

My yoga teacher suggested I go see Pam Chubbuck and work in Core Energetics. I’ll never forget my first visit with Pam, I was furious, enraged but holding it in as usual. Pam is a soft spoken, soft looking woman and when she looked me dead in the eye and said, “I’m not afraid of your anger,” I was surprised. I thought, ‘damn, she recognized my anger right away, maybe she can help me.’ Later Pam asked me, “What is your longing?” I said, I want to be OK. I want to wake up in the morning and not feel that dread, that pain.” She assured me that was a goal I could achieve. “It won’t be easy but you can do it”, she said.

The Core Energetic work with Pam was not even remotely like anything I had ever done before. None of this bla bla bla talking stuff that never really addressed or solved my issues. Intellectual understanding had never been enough. Never before had there been a feeling component. Love and the spiritual had never been addressed before. Pam saw my defenses and never lost sight of my beauty. Pam asked me how I felt and we worked on all the levels I can imagine - - Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I moved my body, kicking, hitting with a tennis racquet, and yelling my rage. I cried deeply as, and for, the terrified little girl inside who was too frightened to express herself as a child. I prayed for help and was able to go back to times when I had been hurt and couldn’t let my painful feelings show because no one was there to help me and love me. I was, for the first time, with encouragement and love, able to let out my hurt, anger, pain, and pent up frustration. I found that living with it inside me every day was far scarier than expressing it. I learned that I had used all my energy to hold my pain at bay and that sapped my energy. We did specific Core Energetic physical exercises designed to help me unblock my stuck musculature. I had held my energy prisoner, in what felt like a storage unit. When I let out my anger and fear it changed my life. My negative emotions were transformed. I decided that I needed to quit my hated 18 year, very lucrative career, and went back to school. I am studying psychology. Without Core Energetics, I never would have gotten here. I had tried everything. I know that sounds dramatic, but true. Core is all inclusive and is a therapy with heart. By directly engaging my emotions I have opened my jail cell. I have transformed my life and managed to open my heart. I understand forgiveness, I forgive myself. I understand mine and others pain. Core Energetic work is peace making.

Core Energetics helped me deepen my spirituality and my intention is to be of service to the world. Now my goal is to be a therapist and help others.

One of the things I love about Core is that you can’t become a Core Energetic Therapist without going through your own deep therapy process and doing your own healing work. My aim is to join the Core Energetic training program.