Never-Ending Erections: Viagara As Mask
by Pam Chubbuck, Ph.D.

Viagra as Mask

Have you seen the plethora of TV commercials trying to sell Viagra? The fine print, by way of quiet voice over, tells us “if your erection lasts more than four hours call your doctor.” Four hours? Holy Crap! No one’s erection is supposed to last hours. Viagra sales (and they are enormous) are supporting the worst part of male (and female) sexuality. Performance.  Since sexual connection is about intimacy, communication, passion and love, supporting performance is a huge disservice to everyone.

Case: Bob’s Experience
I was reminded today while working with a male client, I will call Bob, that Viagra is often used to enhance the mask used to hide the true issues in sexual relationships.

Psychotherapists and physicians are sometimes too quick to suggest Viagra for any male penile dysfunction.

A Marriage Therapist had asked, reported my client, if he would consider Viagra when he brought up a sexual issue in couples therapy. Bob was a bit shocked by that question as the therapist was known to be holistic in philosophy and he had not even attempted to explore what underlying problems could cause Bob’s physical/emotional distress.

Bob is a 60 year old man who has been married for 39 years. He and his wife are committed to each other, love each other and their sex life has fluctuated from good to poor back to good and sometimes “damn good”, or non existent over time.

Many couples experience this sort of variation over a 40 year period. My professional experience has been that if couples do not work on emotional issues the times of sparse or non existent sex can turn into a permanent way of life. This is sad for anyone who longs to live fully before dying. Of course sometimes these sexless marriages lead to divorce if one member of the couple won’t look to his or her deeper issues. (See my article on Sexless Marriage on my website
http://www.core-energetics-south.com/Developing-Capacity.htm#Sexless_Marriage )

We are aware that at times it is a spiritual imperative to leave a marriage when the work of that marriage seems to be completed and there is nothing else to learn there, or if there has been too much hurt to bear. But let’s keep looking at Bob’s experience.

Bob had complained of thinking he was ill and was going to die in the last few months. We will see how this ties into his sexual complaint below. Bob has had many years of therapy so that doing the below described work of exploration into his subconscious was relatively quick and easy. As we explored Bob’s experience it turned out that having and sustaining his erection was not the issue, having an orgasm was the problem. This was a relatively new dilemma for him.

Body Parts Tell Secrets. The penis, and vagina, may be able to tell us more than we are aware of consciously. When a person, woman or man, can not achieve orgasm, or get excited (engorged - wet or hard), we must first look to the emotional issues surrounding the relationship with his/her partner.

Some have called our sex organs our little brains. Candace Pert PhD, brain researcher and author of Molecules of Emotion, tells us clearly that our brain resides in all body parts thus explaining cellular memory. So let’s consult genitals for more information!

I instructed Bob to kick and shout then to ask his penis to talk to him. He did and soon he had a response. He shouted as he kicked furiously - “I don’t trust her to be there for me! ...I won’t be that vulnerable! ...She wants to be in control and there is nothing I can do about it!

Aha! No one likes to feel helpless, vulnerable or fear abandonment. Sexual connection should be a powerful and an empowering experience.

Bob’s wife had been non sexual for over a year and would not talk about it nor consult a professional. She had gone through menopause and may have been uncomfortable with the latest version of her sexuality. She had not gone to the holistic gynecologist as I had suggested nor call and talk with me as I had offered.

Bob was angry about her refusals. He always had enjoyed sex and wanted that as part of their continued married life. Bob’s wife became in control of their sex life because of her refusal and discomfort in talking about her own issues, their sexual issues as a couple and not seeking assistance for her physical and emotional difficulties.

Bob also had a history of fear and humiliation at the hands, literally, of his mother. He was slapped repeatedly for moving or touching himself as an infant when his mother changed his diaper. This information was recently revealed to him by the use of hypnosis during one of our sessions in the last 3 months. I know that somehow these two events are linked in his cellular structure. This connection we will continue to explore in future sessions.

As we proceeded with the work, Bob told me that he could feel his pelvic floor tense and his lower back begin to hurt. Bob’s anger at his perceived helplessness contracted the muscles in his pelvis, and lower back so tightly that he could not ejaculate or attain an orgasm.  His infant trauma of betrayal by his mother when he should have been having pleasure paralleled his perceived and real betrayal in the present. Bob had learned to tense his entire pelvis and surrounding areas to keep from feeling the great sadness and rage he experienced yet was punished for expressing.

Bob softened after letting out his fear and rage. As we worked together he realized that he had a choice to have his own enjoyment or hold it back. If Bob held back because he was angry at his wife he hurt only himself. He could therefore not have the pleasure his body deserved and was meant to have.

Bob left his session feeling better, more alive, grounded and happier. And he did not feel like he was going to die. The feeling of impending death in my analysis was that of holding back, killing his own life force as he held his breath, pelvis tight, and did not allow himself pleasure.  Bob now understood on a body level, that the choice he wanted to continue to make would be to seek pleasure.

Bob must continue to move his body and to express his lower self in order to fully embrace his human and spiritual birthright. Pleasure supreme. Just thinking about saying “Yes to Pleasure” or mentally understanding the concept would not make the change he longed for.

Viagra ads promote our mask, the very defenses we who practice Core Energetics are trying to uncover. Please don’t consider Viagra until you have, (or your client has) consulted a competent holistic physician and psychotherapist. Working first on your emotional issues regarding your relationship with other and self.

When you work with all aspects of yourself, Body-Mind-Emotions-Spirit you will be in constant amazement at the changes you will experience in your bodymindemotions!

Please consider signing up today my workshop Awakening Your Vital Sexuality II: Love Eros & Sexuality May 28-29-20.

To read my article on Love Eros & Sexuality please go to my website
http://www.core-energetics-south.com/Developing-Capacity.htm#Article_5

There are 4 more articles on different aspects of sexuality on my website. Please check them out!

Sexual Love: Can’t Be Bought, but Isn’t Free
by guest author Wendy Strgar

"Sexual love is the most stupendous fact of the universe, and the most magical mystery our poor blind senses know," Amy Lowell.
 
Wealth, even extreme wealth, cannot purchase the most magical, mysterious life-changing sex on the planet. On the other hand, probably the only way to discover and cultivate this most coveted of human experiences is to be ready to give your entire life to the object of your love and the work of the relationship where it nests. It is without question the most powerful of all human exchanges that not only unites lovers to each other but to the great mysterious force of love which is the divine in the world. Perhaps this is why it is said that sexual instinct is never fully satisfied without love. Our hunger goes way beyond the biological drive for sex; we want union.

Today the study and proliferation of Tantra and the teachings of the Kama Sutra are available to everyone and often sold as educational pornography. What most people don’t know is that these sacred texts were originally available only after many years of study and devotion with a partner.

Taking the art of lovemaking to spiritual heights was not intended for casual lovers or for mere opportunistic pleasure. Learning the secrets of deep union was considered one of the most demanding spiritual practices that literally opened your eyes to God through your lover. This was the forbidden fruit that churches tried to keep secret.

Consider the electricity that travels through a kiss in the early weeks of discovering that you can love someone more than yourself. Our biology takes over our life when love fills us. Although the intimate fire that burns between people in this honeymoon phase of love is unforgettable, it is the deep emotional connection and love’s experience of unity which saturates us. Every woman in love will tell you that her sexual experience in love far exceeds any casual sexual encounter. Recent studies show that a woman’s orgasms are not only strongly influenced by the feelings a woman has for her sexual partner but that her feelings for her partner are tied to just how good her orgasms are. The feelings of abandon, freedom and safety that love creates initiates a neurological network in the brain that enables both ease of orgasm and the most intense sexual experience that most women ever report.

The early days of loving are easy though. Our biology leads us and qualities that might later bring us to distraction and discontent are endearing. Our tolerance levels are high because we also feel so deeply accepted and loved for our own quirks. Learning to extend those feelings over years is where many of us falter partly because it is a skill we must learn, not a benefit we get from our biology. Tolerance, patience and forgiveness are the markers on the map to grow and mature the experience of love, that and the sex. When sexuality has the opportunity to unfold in a healthy relationship, experimentation replaces discomfort and embarrassment. As our personal boundaries expand, so does the experience of giving and receiving pleasure.

Sexual love is the best sex on the planet because it is infused with our truest selves. It can’t be bought, but it isn’t free. The devotion to loving another can and does consume lives. If love is the source of all religion, than sexuality is its alter. I like how Rod McKuen shared this: “My religion is well known to those who know me. I believe in bodies, arms entangling and untangling. I believe, and I know it to be so, that there are so many curves and hollows in a single body that none of us can come to know them all within a single lifetime. I believe in one to one and one on one… I believe in spring, but only if I’m holding some well-loved face in my hands …”

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.

www.core-energetics-south.com