Sexuality & Core Energetics:  Part One
Sexless Marriage/ Relationship is Prevalent in Our Culture 

©By Pamela L. Chubbuck, Ph.D.

When my great aunt died, my beloved great uncle confessed to my father, his favorite nephew, that the reason he and his wife of almost 70 years, had not had children, was because they had not had sex after the first week of their marriage. In fact they only had sex once. That was about 100 years ago now and the thought of living a sexless marriage today is shocking. Or is it? More couples than you think live sexless marriages/relationships. It's only shocking because it is a secret people keep close -hidden in the realm of their masks. 
 
Some years ago a couple consulted me about their relationship. They were really pretty happy they said. Liked each other they said. Loved each other for sure. Had been married over three years they explained. I listened to hear their presenting complaint as they told me that they wanted to have a baby. They wanted me to help. I immediately thought I'd be referring them to a fertility specialist when they revealed that they had never had sex. Well, they hugged, kissed and petted but they had never accomplished or even attempted penetration in over 4 years of knowing one another. Never. Well that explains the lack of pregnancy I thought wryly.
 
Joke? Sexless Marriage is something most folks don't talk about or know about, unless you're in one. Listen to the folk wisdom in the old joke - "Know how to get your girlfriend/boyfriend to stop having sex with you?... Marry him/her."  Turns out it's not so funny.
 
I once treated a woman who had been married only a few weeks when her used-to-be amorous boyfriend/fiancé started piling pillows in between then when they went to bed. He did not want to be touch or be touched. She was devastated.
This genre of sexual jokes is usually about women not wanting to have sex while men do. Not true in my experience. Both men and women can suffer from some aspect of sexual fear.
 
People in this country are living from their collective Sexual Masks. Many people live a false sexual lie. Culturally we pretend. There is a plethora of overt sex showing up in advertising, TV, magazines etc, that one is led to believe that everyone is having passionate great sex. Except perhaps fundamentalists of all sorts, who are told they will go to hell for having sex outside of marriage. 
 
Those who are taught to be afraid of feeling sexual, acting sexual and being sexual, and don't have sex until marriage often have been so successful at stopping their spontaneous feeling and Life Force that they can't have enjoyable sex when they do get married and finally "have god's permission".
Some statistics show that kids who are taught not to have sex because it is gods' will, are actually having more sex than their more liberally raised peers. The ultra church goers just pretend they are "pure". They may have more sex - it's just not enjoyable! They have been trained to have enormous guilt about it and that lasts into adulthood. Even when in church sanctioned marriages.
 
Sex in this country has gone a bit crazy! Remember those little Barbie sized "hooker dolls" that were all the rage - and marketed to 6 year olds a couple of years ago? And did you know there is a TV show called Pregnant and 16 that eleven year olds are hooked on? (Pardon the pun). Their mothers sometimes watch it with them - or aren't paying attention.
 
Very few are teaching or being taught how to achieve intimate, loving vibrant sex.
 
Help! Do people seek help when confronted by difficulties with sex? Some do. These are some of the things I often hear in my therapy practice. (Identifying info has been changed.)
 
Client Sexual Complaints
Client: 52 year old. No kids. Never married. "I always followed Zing sex - you know, exciting, no commitment, no love. It got me nowhere- now I'm trying a relationship with someone I truly love and like. That person loves me... and I shut down completely sexually. Completely. I want to be happy and in a good marriage. Help!"
 
Client: Female. 37 year old. Two children. "I've been with my husband 6 years, married five. We have two children. The thought of having sex with my husband makes me nauseated. He's a pretty nice guy too.
Is it possible to get over this? What is wrong?"
 
Client: 40 year old, Three kids.  "I hate my body. I don't want to have sex with my husband. My breasts sag and I don't want my husband to see me naked."
 
Client: 55 year old male. Two college aged children. Second marriage.  "I want a divorce. I love my wife. She is beautiful, intelligent, creative and loving... but I am not turned on by her. I am no longer turned on at all. I feel like something must be really wrong." 
 
Client: 44 year old male. First marriage. No children. "I got married 3 months ago and am already having sex with other women. I do not want to have sex with my wife. I don't want to hurt her but I can't stop. Can you help?"
Can I help? Yes!
When people ask if I can help them with their sexual issues, I say, "Yes." Because I know that the presenting complaint runs much deeper than how to put part A into part B.   In Core Energetics we teach techniques to free up energy so that people may access more pleasure and fulfillment.  In the next few Core South Newsletters I will address some of the above client issues more thoroughly. First however, I will address the basic problems that we westerners have to deal with when it comes to Sexuality.
 
As a culture we have abandoned what in life is sustaining - clean air, fresh clean sweet tasting water, and simple bodily pleasures.  We have often lost the ability to have playful sexual pleasures. We search instead for false gods - money, big houses, stuff, outer beauty among others and we hope they will give us some degree of happiness.
 
When we are split off from those things that give us life, it is impossible to be vitally sexual. How in the world did this happen?
 
We're Disconnected
We are disconnected from the earth. We are disconnected from our bodies. Our minds and our bodies do not communicate well. Our hearts and genitals do not energetically unite. We are split apart from our very breath and cut off from the Life Force that sustains us. 
 
We first learn about sex as infants from our mothers. 
Ask your self these questions:
How did mother feel about her own body? What did she say about yours? Did she breastfeed you? (Please see my extensive article on Breastfeeding is Essential for Bio-Psycho-Spiritual Health. Go to  http://www.core-energetics-south.com/Developing-Capacity.htm#Breastfeeding )  How did she touch you? What was her attitude about bodily functions? Pee? Poop? Spit? Blood? Other bodily secretions? Sweat? Vaginal secretions? Ejaculate? What do you know about your toilet training? What do you imagine? Was she affectionate with your father if he was around? Did she teach you about sex? What did she say? What tone of voice did she use? What was her body language? Do you think she had sex? Enjoyed sex?
 
Now ask the similar questions about your father. How did he touch you? What was his attitude about his own body? Yours? Did he talk with you about sex? Etc.
Grandparents? Ask again.
 
How did your parents and ancestors become disconnected? That's a story best read elsewhere. It has its history in the distortion of Christianity whereby subsequently the church preached for almost 2,000 years that the body is bad (of the devil) and mind/spirit is good (of God). After 30,000 years of Earth Based religions that taught the body was part of All, Christianity and other fundamentalist religions ushered in the mind  body split.  It's taking a long time to heal that split. (See my book Passages into Womanhood: Empowering Girls to Love Themselves. Especially the chapter "Girls and God". http://www.passagesintowomanhood.com )
 
Fear is the Culprit
We do what our parents teach us by words, modeling, and by simply being in their energy fields. If they teach us to fear our exuberance, our life Force, our bodies, then we better comply but stifling those parts of us - or risk losing their love. If we did not comply they may have abandoned us by turning away, cutting off, speaking harshly, or more subtly pulling their loving energy in so we could not feel it. This is horrible for a child. It is so frightening that the choice is most often to cut off their own life force to try to maintain parents' love. But the demand from the parent to cut off any part of a Childs liveliness is never love.
 
My own mother was not happy with my vast amount of child energy. She turned away in fear and disgust especially when it touched on bodily pleasure. Luckily I had a father who liked my energy. To him, climbing trees, running, laughing uncontrollably, farting and shitting outside behind bushes, and playing doctor with my 3 and 4 year old friends was just what kids do. Had he also been afraid I would have had many more years of therapy and a harder time reclaiming my Life Force which naturally included being able to enjoy sexual pleasure.
Core Energetics and Bioenergetic Analysis are the experts on sexuality. I have worked with Certified Sex Therapists and Marriage and Family Therapists, who are quite out of touch with their bodies. (Frightening thought!) Nor are they aware of the subtle energy that is blocked and whose flow must be awakened.

Orgone. Wilhelm Reich taught that Orgone energy (Also called; Chi, Life Force, Bio Energy etc) was what life was made of. It was part of the sexual stream of life. John Pierrakos taught that there is one Life Stream of energy that breaks into three streams - Love, Eros and Sexuality. (please read his book by the same name). Alexander Lowen said, "breathe!" and wrote Love and Orgasm when these topics were taboo.
In Core Energetics, we treat Sexual Energy and Life Force energy as the same. As children we were frightened into blocking our life force, because Mom or Dad (grandma, pastor etc) couldn't tolerate it.  That blocking is what causes many long term problems, even illness. We hold our breath; tighten our muscles, cutting off more of our energy and feeling, thereby increasingly diminishing our ability to experience sexual pleasure.

The Cure is in the Body. In Core Energetics we use body-based techniques to help people feel their resistance to pleasure, understand the wounds that caused it, and learn to trust. We awaken the flow of energy by physically and emotionally dealing with how and why it is blocked.

Core Energetics awakens our spontaneous joyful flow! With work and dedication we can experience ourselves as fully developed sexual beings, alive with vibrant energy coursing through our bodies. We then feel more connected, creative, and better able to discover our gifts and bring them to the world. We all want this!

I wonder how my great uncle and aunt would have faired had they had Core Energetics therapy to help them. I'd probably have more cousins! 

(Please note that I am offering three dynamic weekend workshops on Sexuality & Core Energetics. You are invited to join us!)

Pam Chubbuck is creator of "Say Yes to Life!"  DVDs. Two hour long classes!  For more information or to order - go to www.core-energetics-south.com and click on Products - a video clip of Say Yes to Life! is also available below.