Love Thy Mother*: No Matter What
© by Pam Chubbuck, Ph.D.
What Happens When Trauma is Hidden?
I began pondering the fact that, in general, therapists understand that people who were literally abandoned, physically and or sexually abused, lived in war zones and other obvious tragedies, have suffered greatly and need understanding, compassion and many years of psychotherapy to get “better”. But what of those people who had childhoods that looked good, and did not have obvious trauma?
Over many years I have known clients that experienced subtle emotional ordeals who were extremely traumatized as well. Many therapists do not understand the trauma that comes from not being seen for who they truly are. The essential being - some call it the spirit or soul - of the child is ignored. Some parents do not even have an inkling that such a real thing exists in each human being, and needs tender nurturing in their child.
The Portnoy’s Complaint Syndrome
People with mothers who say, “I sacrificed everything for you”, and use that to manipulate them as adults - are hard pressed to show hatred toward their martyred mother. Mothers who are that self absorbed are probably trying to overcome lacks in their own childhood, by insisting on getting what they did not get from their own parents - from their offspring. Giving a parent what she lacked in her own childhood, cannot and must not be the job of the child to remedy.
Each individual is unique. We come here (earth plane) to be our unique selves. Each of us has an exclusive essence which is biological and I believe spiritual as well. The exclusive combination of genes that make up each individual’s DNA has never been on earth before and will never be again.
Having our essence denied is a terrible wound, but one most people, including therapists, do not fully understand. To be unseen can be a killer. To be denied on this most basic level kills our Life Force.
 Parents need to ask their child, “Who are you?” And keep asking as kids change and grow. Ask: “show me, tell me, help me understand unique, wonderful, miraculous you.”
Never, should a mother think or act upon the idea that - you came from me therefore must be like me. Mother must never, act out the idea that ‘you are here to make me feel good about myself, to take care of me, or to say you love me’ - even when I give you reasons to hate me. But mothers do act this way and say these things out of their own lack and unconsciousness.
Are you allowed to hate your mother? It just isn’t done! It’s considered a sin. But many people can’t get better until they can admit and feel their deep hatred and anger toward the mother who was not able to give them unconditional love. Alice Miller said, “Wherever I look, I see signs of the commandment to honor one's parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of a child.” Let’s look at the case below.
Case I
When Monroe entered therapy, at age 40, he didn’t know who he was, or what he really wanted to do in his life, just that he didn’t feel good. In fact he felt next to nothing. “I feel like I’m walking through a fog”, he said. Monroe had a job and family but was not satisfied. He thought that there must be some work he would like to do in the world but didn’t know what it was. He loved his kids and wife but felt numb most of the time so had a hard time showing his affection. Rarely, but sometimes, he got very angry and yelled and that scared his wife.
Monroe was raised by a mother whose number one task in life was to be perfect. And of course she wanted a perfect son.
Mother was an expert on the use of her mask self: false, unfeeling, aloof, and subtly manipulative. Mother professed her martyrdom to her son, when she reiterated how she had done everything for him and he should now at least show her that he loved her. When she did that, Monroe felt guilty, and like a bad son. After all Mother had been a single mother and did her best. Didn’t she?
She didn’t hit him, or yell, or leave him like some mothers did. Monroe was an only child and spent most of his time alone but Mother had provided music lessons and books to read. Working, she said, to give him everything he wanted, Mother focused on a college and career she thought would be “good for Monroe.” What he thought he wanted was actually what Mother wanted for him. And perhaps what Mother had wanted as a girl child growing up.
When Monroe first began therapy all his feelings were repressed. He had a hard time making spontaneous movements, sounds or letting any emotion “leak” out. If emotion did emerge he was afraid but tried to hide it by laughing, smiling or going numb.
Later when asked to do something that was designed to bring up emotions or practice spontaneity, he would stop and say, “This is just silly.” As therapy progressed he and I would laugh when he would say something was silly, because it was obvious that silly was more life affirming than whatever Mother thought was appropriate.
Monroe’s negative belief was that any time he showed his feelings…something bad would happen. When asked what, eventually the answer was; Mother won’t like it. When asked, “Then what”, he replied, She will be even more gone than usual I can’t take care of myself. What will happen to me? That would be enough to threaten his very life as a small child.
Mothers who aspire to act perfectly are not acting human, and therefore children of these mothers do not know how to be human in the sense I will explain. Human beings are imperfect and can admit it. It is no big deal to them since no one is perfect. Human beings are, spontaneous, alive, angry, sad, sexual, and joyful. To be fully human is to be able to freely love and decide who to trust and who deserves your love. And then to be able to give it.
 I’m reminded, that children who are raised with open unconditional love, have a grounded sense about what and who is good for them and what and who is not. They can choose the people to be around and say truths without fear such as, “I don’t like her”. Or, “I don’t want to be around grandpa.” It is when children are denied the ability to be truthful and have to say things to please their parents that they soon lose the ability to know what they actually feel. This is called the False Self or Mask in Core Energetics and is put in place to keep the child safe when small and defenseless. This is who I will pretend to be since this is who/what Mother wants me to be. When this charade must be kept up, soon the child loses all sense of her true self.
Often it is very difficult for children of parents who did not model warmth, genuineness or truth telling, to work “well” in their therapy. Since they want and feel they must be perfect for mother, everything they and the therapist do is called into question by them. Even the therapeutic process in which they must do well - whatever that means to them – must be somehow perfect.
Children of perfectionist parents do not feel entitled to allow themselves to experience their suffering as much as they actually suffer deep down. These people are angry. They are furious! Often they are sick. Because the body does not differentiate suffering of the mind and body mental and emotional suffering not expressed becomes somatized and often shows up in many different physical illnesses. (See the case of Alice below)
Parents who do not see their children as unique and separate beings do them vast harm. Parents who see their children as part of themselves, to be molded and manipulated into clone-like images of themselves - kill their kids Life Force.
Forgiveness
Some therapists urge clients to forgive their parent and live in the now. But forgiveness comes only from within, not from someone telling you it’s a good idea or therapeutically wise. Forgiveness is overrated in our culture probably coming from the Christian belief that to forgive somehow gets you into heaven more surely. But fake, mask forgiveness only pushes the real feelings, which must be felt to heal, deeper into the unconscious thereby making healing more difficult and take far longer.
Therapists Must do Their Own Work
Therapists who go along with this idea of forgive first, or that because a parent did not physically or sexually abuse you, you are OK and should get over it are probably poorly trained or unaware of their own transference issues.
Honor Your Mother: Even When It Makes You Sick Case II
Unknown to Alice, at 24, she had never made a decision that she was not sure her parents would approve of. She was especially concerned about her mother, as her mother was known by some few who knew her well, to be controlling, hyper-critical, and furious. But Mother held tight to her mask of Good Christian Woman when in public. Only at home, and almost always when Dad was at work, did she let her Lower Self out, becoming – raging, abusive, and what I called, demonic. Mother was filled with hate for her own mother who was also abusive. Alice’s mother insisted on love and respect although she did not earn it. She used distorted religious pap to make her case for her children to love her.
Alice hid behind her own phony mask that said to the world, ‘I am the perfect Christian-Good-Girl’. This mask, as masks do, got her much seemingly positive attention from her mother and from her church group. But living in the mask ultimately assassinates our own deep being. Our Life Force.
Alice was taught and believed that any problem would be healed if she followed the rules that her pastor laid out – and were taught to be God’s Word. One of them was to honor your mother and your father. Apparently she believed, even if your mother exhibits crazy behavior, she must remain cheerful and stuff her true feelings beneath her consciousness. She must fake it to the world and pretend that all is alright and her family is above reproach.
Alice quoted scripture, when any of her feelings started to immerge. She really believed that all problems her mother had would be cured if only her mother would pray more. And her own problems were caused by her imperfectly executing her faith which she felt she had to monitor and work on daily.
 A High Price to Pay
Looking good to the average unaware person, her denial of her truth – her spontaneous life force – plus her anger, fear and hatred of her mother, could only make Alice sick. And it did. Alice was sick much more than the average young woman her age. Starting as a young teen Alice always got the flu and had it weeks after everyone else had gotten well. She had migraine headaches, dysmenorrhea, constant stomach aches and more recently began to regularly have heart palpitations. All of these symptoms were obvious to a trained observer to be stress related. Alice’s irregular heart beats were very similar to panic attacks when one looked closely. Alice had medical stress tests and cardiac monitoring over a months time, nothing was found to be wrong with her heart.
Alice’s symptoms began to dissipate as soon as she was able to kick - and yell, “I hate you” to her mother in her therapy sessions. This took some time as Alice had very little sense of her own body’s feeling reality.
Alice had been thoroughly brainwashed.
We had a lot to do to prepare Alice to be able to begin to feel. She had so diligently stuffed her feelings under her Ego Mask that getting it to the surface took time, education and plenty of empathy. After all, Alice had been taught, and believed that hatred was a sin, yelling at her mother was a sin and that going against her parents was going against God’s Word. Any of these feelings sincerely expressed could land her in hell. And that was frightening beyond words. Literally.
Alice made slow steady progress in therapy. The most difficult for her was when she realized she began to challenge the rhetoric she had been taught in her strict fundamentalist upbringing. It was terrifying for her to even question what she was taught to believe without using the possibility of her own intellectual thought.
 A parent must be true to the essence of their child. A mother must know that she has a child not to fulfill her own lacks in life but to support her child to fully become him or her true self. The highest task a parent has is to get out of the way of the deepest life flow of her child. A mother must genuinely invite that child’s personal aliveness to come forth.
A parent does not know what that deep flow is unless the child reveals it.
In order to find and reveal his or her deep flow a child needs to have unconditional love, support, nurturing, and freedom to be. A parent must take on the job of raising a child to have an independent spirit and to be nurtured and sent out in the world to be his or her own person when ready.
In therapy clients must be taught to be loving to the little child inside themselves that is screaming to be seen. Loving and caring for the child within takes time and attention. We often treat our inner child terribly - worse than we would ever treat a real child, because we hate our neediness above all. Why? Because our unmet needs cause us terrible pain and cause us to suffer, so we suppress our feelings and then hate the part of us that makes us remember and hurt still.
Please take your small inner child in your arms and ask "what do you need"?
***********
*Love Thy Mother: By titling this piece Love Thy Mother, I in no way imply that fathers are not extremely important to creating health or neurosis in their offspring. Fathers can and do demand love, discount children, act cold, aloof, be absent, blackmail kids into doing, and saying what is expected of them. Children are also coerced into being who father wants without father paying attention to the essence of the child. In my 35 years as a psychotherapist more clients cite their mothers as being the ones who demand love after not being fully present for their children more often than fathers. Dads just seem to disappear. Mothers stay around and act the martyr.
Because we grow in our mother’s body and spend more time on average with our mothers than our fathers I have chosen to focus on mothers.
In the future, fathers will have their own day.
|
Nutrition is so very important for healthy bodies and minds. For girls and women eating well is essential for optimum psycho-sexual function. Girls have less discomfort, more regularity of their periods, feel better in general, and have normal body fat content when eating a diet rich with the vitamins and minerals that come from fresh fruits and vegetables. I have found Vita Mix Super Nutrition Machine to be the very best thing I ever bought for my kitchen and for my health. 
